Anxiety

I won't disclose exactly when my NCLEX is...but I will say that the day is getting very near. Today, I asked my husband if maybe I should just re-schedule it. I'm feeling very anxious and it's not helping at all that I am sucking so badly on my practice questions.

 As I predicted my husband told me that I should just take it so I know what to expect if in fact I don't do well and have to re-take it. I get what he is saying and to me, it's all about being comfortable enough to think logically and choose the best answer. I guess I'm worried that I will forever have this chip hanging on my shoulder if I don't do well.

It's a 200 question exam that has a max of 5 hours of test taking time. How hard can it be...right? Well, I can't exactly say that it is super hard since I have not personally taken one...but the thought of it makes me wanna throw up! that's how bad my anxiety is right now. I'm feeling light-headed from just talking about it.

I know that I'm just going to try my best...

The Case of the Missing Cellphone

I don't know why I am always misplacing my phone. What makes matters worse is that it's my main source of communication since I do not have a land line set up. I should just go ahead and set up a home phone but I guess I've just been lazy about it. I think it's time I do something and just get a phone...either that or actually go outside and look for my phone in the car.

I was trying to practice for my NCLEX and take care of my daughter at the same time. It's very difficult to tune her out and that annoying t.v. show she loves so much (spongebob). One of my sisters is coming today for the weekend. It's been a while since I last saw her and she just had some back surgery done.

Aaaah! My daughter is constantly fussy and needy. I'm right next to her but that's never enough. I think I need to go cool down with a shower or something. I just need to get a quick break from being mommy. I still have to clean up the bathroom, vacuum and do the dishes. Ughhhh...I really don't feel like it but it has to be done.

Guess that's it for now...time to get back to reality.

Dieting Blah Blah

I am 27  year's old and at this point, I honestly do not know how I really feel about my weight. Some days I accept it and some days I want to start dieting. I get inspired every now and then and then I tell myself that I will make a lifestyle change.

I tried Insanity (workout videos) and did that for about a month, then school started and well..I got lazy. I couldn't make time, but I was doing so well with it. Of course I wasn't just working out, I was also eating healthier.

It's difficult to eat healthier especially when you grew up eating foods from different cultures or when all you really know to cook is the food that is not exactly what one might call low cal, low carb, etc.

I use to run. I love running. I tried running in my neighborhood and got a lot of stares and even got hit on. I live next to a major highway-ish road and the mall is literally walking distance so there are always people around, which makes it really hard for me to do my own thing. I hate having to stop running so I can wait for the "walking" symbol to turn on when crossing between traffic lights.

One of my wishes is to move next year and to go to a more private neighborhood. Despite that issue, I've been pretty good with what I eat. I don't eat too much and I just try to be more aware of knowing when I am full. I'm one of those stress eaters, but I really try to balance it out.

Hate This Non-Independence BS

Having the opportunity to go to school and continue to live a not so lack luster life has become a double edge sword. When I was in my early 20's (not too long ago), I had everything a 20 something year old would want, a car, my own apartment, bills, and everything else that goes with being independent. The only thing I didn't have was a relationship that made me happy. My love life at that time was very depressing and didn't seem like it was really going anywhere.

I was with a fool guy who was afraid of truly making a real commitment. We were together for over 4 years, yet that was still not enough for him to make the ultimate decision of being with me for the rest of his life and actually stand on his own two feet. I wasn't asking him for a ring, I just wanted him to let me know that there is an actual plan for our future. I know this idea of independence can be hard for some people, especially those who have been raised in certain type of mindset.

I hate the fact that I will forever carry around this baggage from that relationship. I just feel like I truly invested and tried my best to make that work. I was even at a point in my life where I was willing to mold myself into someone he wanted me to be. I was unhappy.

Then one day, I met someone who rescued me from my great depression. I married him within 2 months of meeting him and we now have a beautiful daughter together. The relationship I had back then is like night and day to the one I have now. I don't know how you go from drowning in independence to being dependent (without any real choice about it) on someone. I hate depending on him. I feel like a kid at the thought that I am depending on him.

Wanting to Move

I've had somewhat of a long day today. I was expecting to get my laptop but things didn't pan out the way I thought it would so yeah, I have to play the waiting game till tomorrow (or who knows when). I have been eying a few laptops, specifically something small and cheap affordable but without the sacrifice of the quality.

I have been a Mac user for, I'd say 7 years and I honestly love it! I never get viruses and I never have any issues, so I am worried that this momentary "relapse" to PC will only turn into a disappointment. Nevertheless, I am willing to deal with it because I have certain CD's that I need and can only run in windows.

I love this donut bun for the hair! It gives you such a cute up-do, which I will most likely rock when I go back to nursing school next year. I am sure that the hair must stay up for clinicals (as usual).

I wish I could take a mini vacay to Jersey. I really want to go to my favorite places and just kinda relax and do my own thing at least for one weekend. All I've ever done so far is study, be a wife, and take care of my lil' munchkin. My sister is coming this week so that should be fun. It's always nice to see a familiar face.

I Can Hear the Garbage Truck

I didn't know what to put as my title and as I am trying to think of one, the garbage truck keeps making noise outside my office window so yeah that's the title.

My lil' one is downstairs in the living room, watching Spongebob Squarepants, a cartoon t.v. show that I don't care much for. Although, yesterday I did find myself subjecting to watching it because I was missing my daughter (she was at grammy's house).

I can never finish a cup of coffee. It's weird because it was definitely my drug of choice last school semester. Yep, that's right! coffee is a drug because it's a stimulant and it's not organic. It speeds up your heart rate, raises your blood pressure, and it can give you a headache too (which I have right now).

I should be getting a mini-laptop later on so I can do some practice NCLEX Q's since the cds that came in the book are only windows compatible.

My friend, Brandy and I have been texting each other all morning. She was in dire need of a pick me up, as she is currently in a situation that's making her depress and unhappy. So I did what I usually do, tell her all the positive things and make her feel that she is capable of doing pretty much whatever she wants to do. I've noticed that a lot of us, women have self-esteem issues. It's not a constant issue for some. Often we just have these moments, like random bouts of...doubts regarding ourselves. Most of the time it's body related. I don't think there's an ugly woman in the world, you just have to take care of yourself or "beautify" yourself. You don't need to pile on the layers of makeup to cover up but makeup can enhance your beauty. It can make your dark circles go away, pimples (acne scars) look diminished, or curl super straight, un-flirty lashes. There are so many ways of enhancing your true beauty so why not take advantage and learn.

Another Sleepless Night

 She snores on my right, he snores on my left....ah this is the life! Aside from the thoughts that most often occupy my brain at night and leave me restless to the point of keeping me awake, well I couldn't be happier with how my life is turning out.

About 5 minutes or so ago, I had a thought. I asked myself (in my head), "Why am I such a bad wife?" This question came to me after hearing my super exhausted husband talk in his sleep. He said, "Let's go, let's go, come on. Oh man!" and I have a feeling that this is what he was saying today while working one of his side jobs. Poor hubby...I feel horrible because I know in my heart that I can be..no...I should be more supportive of him but instead I have been nagging him almost every chance I get and because of what?! some stupid, little thing that he fails to not do or forgets to do?

Sometimes, we get so caught up in what we want or how we want things to be that we forget that some things are just plain out of our control (or maybe even uncontrollable).

I am really hoping to make a change. I want to better myself. The last thing I want to be is someone who nit-picks on every little issue or imperfection and never gets to a point of satisfaction or contentment. I would hate myself if that's how ultimately turn out to be years from now.